A permanent sleep

Is on the horizon, I don't know what else can help anymore. I can't take getting rejected anymore.

If this

is contagious, and is going to infect everyone around me, everyone I love and cherish, then why do I carry on? Surely it would mean more to them for me to leave, with no chance of returning. Surely they can understand, that its hard enough without seeing them struggle. x

I know it's more than that.

But ultimately, rejection makes me feel worthless. How much longer can I go?

Blur

Is there anything that is simply divisible by a fine line? Sanity and not, hardly a good starting point. It all fits a sliding scale. Reality and not, hardly easier. Where does one begin and the other end? Does either ever exist independently? I doubt this soul will ever know.

What is this?

This feeling? A feeling, wow, what? Of hope? Am I dreaming? Am I dead? This is alien. The sudden urge to go out, buy a hot air balloon, a great friend, fine food, champagne, good cigarettes, and just fly for hours, with no care of destination or consequence. That would be fine. So Long, Lonesome.

Past caring.

Every day is so hollow, they are all the same. Do nothing. Nothing at all. Starve, cut, scream, cry, silence. Do nothing. All the while my mind is racing. With what? Nothing.

There is a distinct difference between caring and noticing.

I'm sure that lots of people would care if I wasn't here anymore. I don't mean to sound bigheaded, and I'm sure you understand what I mean. If people were told that you were going to die, or had already, they would be sad. All of your family, your friends, old friends, close friends, there would be a lot of people that it would affect. But I do wonder, I really do, that if I told my landlord I was living somewhere else from next week, and then just gave up, who would notice? My family? Doubtful. And when do friends check in? I do feel like its 100% on me. I might just stop trying to communicate and see how long before I hear from anyone. I give it at least a month. I'll let you know.