48 hours.

My ultimatum. Something changes else I guess I'll be seeing you guys. You all helped. But it only makes sense this way, because there will we more bad than good from now, thereby bringing my average life happiness down. Only logical this way. 48 hours for a new beginning. We can hope.

The easy way out

Someone tell me what to do? The only reason I am alive is promises to people to stay that way, but surely if these people don't care about the promises then what matters?

I feel.

Feel alive, feel amazing, feel astonishing, astonishingly good, and today has been fantastic, life changed. X

Jump

Jump with me now. X

A permanent sleep

Is on the horizon, I don't know what else can help anymore. I can't take getting rejected anymore.

If this

is contagious, and is going to infect everyone around me, everyone I love and cherish, then why do I carry on? Surely it would mean more to them for me to leave, with no chance of returning. Surely they can understand, that its hard enough without seeing them struggle. x

I know it's more than that.

But ultimately, rejection makes me feel worthless. How much longer can I go?

Blur

Is there anything that is simply divisible by a fine line? Sanity and not, hardly a good starting point. It all fits a sliding scale. Reality and not, hardly easier. Where does one begin and the other end? Does either ever exist independently? I doubt this soul will ever know.

What is this?

This feeling? A feeling, wow, what? Of hope? Am I dreaming? Am I dead? This is alien. The sudden urge to go out, buy a hot air balloon, a great friend, fine food, champagne, good cigarettes, and just fly for hours, with no care of destination or consequence. That would be fine. So Long, Lonesome.

Past caring.

Every day is so hollow, they are all the same. Do nothing. Nothing at all. Starve, cut, scream, cry, silence. Do nothing. All the while my mind is racing. With what? Nothing.

There is a distinct difference between caring and noticing.

I'm sure that lots of people would care if I wasn't here anymore. I don't mean to sound bigheaded, and I'm sure you understand what I mean. If people were told that you were going to die, or had already, they would be sad. All of your family, your friends, old friends, close friends, there would be a lot of people that it would affect. But I do wonder, I really do, that if I told my landlord I was living somewhere else from next week, and then just gave up, who would notice? My family? Doubtful. And when do friends check in? I do feel like its 100% on me. I might just stop trying to communicate and see how long before I hear from anyone. I give it at least a month. I'll let you know.

RE: p.p.s

I take it back.

The faint glint

Of silver and red, the short calm after the storm. It becomes shorter, and the storm has to be stronger to bring the same calm. When will the storm be too much for this boat?

Fuck right off.

So there is this person. Sitting across the table. And I really really like her. But there is this person in my life that I'm supposed to be there for all the time. And I feel like shit. I hate my mind. P.s. She clearly knows because she is acting like she hates me. P.p.s atleast I'm not thinking of swallowing a bottle of aspirin today.

Well

Today has been great, not even sarcasm. I feel one step closer to sane, I feel like I have made a new good friend, and I feel a lot less destructive. Yet I still think I'm going to do something I might regret. Maybe I would regret not doing it, if my sane mind wants it, then I say, why not?

What is impossible?

Is there such a thing? I always wonder. Is it impossible that one day I may actually function as a normal human being? It feels it. Is it impossible to fall in love when in love? I hope so. But right now, I really don't know, and someone really needs to help me before I fuck everything. Sometimes, just every now and then, I wish I could wake up with amnesia.

Quiet?

The complete opposite. My mind is racing with so much emotion. How can it be this hard to think logically? Why can't I go more than a few weeks without trying to blow my life apart. I want these things so badly, but I know I shouldn't. Has that ever stopped me? Yes. Will it forever? I doubt it. Alone again.

Altered Reality

I wish I could get sober, I feel like I am living my life high on so much stuff atm. I can't ever keep my head straight for more than a day at a time. It's like an escape that I want to escape from, but I don't know where to go. What do I do? Carry on. What else.

Another day,

A whole day, gone. I don't know where they go these past few months. I don't remember most of it. It feels only minutes ago I was last writing here. How many stupid things have I done today? I guess I find out over the coming days. That's always how it is.

Time?

It amazes me where the hours seem to go. Sit down, gaze out the window for what seems like 5 minutes, and a few hours have flown by. Walk around the house trying to find something you feel like doing, the day is almost over. Does anyone else get the feeling there are people turning your clocks forward all the time?

A Quiet Mind

So here I am. Again trying to find a place to hide my crazy. A secret diary to be read by people who I will never meet, but who can hopefully relate, maybe take something away, and who knows, possibly even help. I'd like that. Let's just see how it goes.